On May 17th, I met up with Sara Hosey – an author and the host of the creating writing class that I participated in at the Sea Cliff library back in March – for a coffee at the Campgroup in Sea Cliff. Campground is a place known for craft beer and craft coffee and a fun place to take a seat or perhaps pitch a tent.
I was almost going to cancel after an insane week in the office. But I needed to take a break and could spare 45 minutes to meet up with a new friend. I took a deep breath and after a short moment of gratitude considering all the positives around me, out the door I went.
She and I quickly got to chatting. Not too far into our chat, a wave of emotion came over me along with a few tears that slowly began to trickle down my face. I tried to resist but the emotion was real.
I said, “I am so sorry. I am not the kind of person that shows up for coffee and brings along drama,” and quickly explained that I had had a stressful few weeks. With compassion, she just said to “go with it.” And so I did.
As I wiped away my tears, I glanced at my phone and saw a response from a text from Lover. Earlier I wrote,” I am exhausted, I mean I don’t know how much more my brain can handle,” and his response was “try to relax and enjoy the new friendship.” I read this out loud to Sara and she thought it was sweet. As did I.
Exhale.
I recently heard Jerry Seinfeld say, “Does anyone ever look back and say ‘I wish I had spent more time at the office?’” That struck a chord with me. It astonishes me to think that I’ve worked more than 37 years at the same place. Am I getting too old for my job? Or is it time to start a new career? Or perhaps both?
My mind is sharp and I can still multi-task like a mad woman, but I continually question myself. Is this what I should be doing and for how much longer? Any time that word “should” comes in – it isn’t a good sign. If I were doing something I loved, would I feel this exhausted and mentally drained? It feels like I have been on a roller coaster for years at my job, yet I keep staying on for another ride. I’ve maintained my balance, managing to find time for a life outside of work and to balance my many creative endeavors. But lately – this idea of getting old – hit me. I am not 25 years old. If I do want to start a second career, it’s time that I step it up.
I recently sorted through a chest filled with old journals which included over 20 years of dating, grieving, and aching to be in love, along with a consistent message of wanting to write and tell stories, whether it be via prose or photography. It was so exhausting reading through them that I started to take some of the journals, immersed them under water, and then ripped them to shreds before tossing them into the garbage.
It was always the same theme and the same story line. I have probably been fantasizing about writing for almost as long as I was fantasizing about falling in love.
The love has arrived. Now I am finding myself as a creative person. These little monthly essays are part of that process. They help.
“What we resist persists” the wise Carl Jung once said. Ain’t it the truth. I have worked through many obstacles in life but this feels different. It is fair to say that I have stayed with the familiar for a very long time and that a feeling of comfort has kept me feeling safe. It is time to be honest and say that I am fearful. There. I am putting it on paper.
After the coffee with Sara I came back home. I had a work call. I felt mentally drained. I could barely make a sentence, but I pushed through as I have for the past 37 years and then I let things go. Maybe I needed to shed a few tears to welcome my new life with Lover in the quaint town of Sea Cliff and the many creative possibilities that lie ahead. I am glad I didn’t resist those tears. They are a good reminder to have patience, to be persistent, and stop this damn resisting.
TL's Moments 